I am going on month 4 of this horrendous back pain stuff and I really, really over it. Yes, things have improved from where they were a few months ago. I am not in agonizing pain 24/7 and for that I am grateful. What I am not grateful for; however, is the continual, daily discomfort that has been my life for the past few months. I am not curled up on the couch on Vicodin daily anymore but I am still a lot more uncomfortable on a daily basis then I would care to be and I have no idea when I wake up in the morning what kind of day it is going to be. I also am fed up with not being able to exercise at all like I used to. Walking daily just doesn't feel the same as going out for a 10 mile run and I really miss that feeling of release that comes from a good, hard workout.
So, after months of this I am feeling broken down from it all. I am sick and tired of pep talking my way through everyday. I am frustrated by not knowing how I am going to feel on any given day. On top of all that, what is bothering me most is I feel I have lost something of myself that I valued.
Six months ago, I felt like the world was my oyster. I have always sort of prided myself on being a person who "sucked the marrow out of life" as Thoreau put it. I was up for anything and wanted to experience everything. I have always had great plans to see all the nooks and crannies of this earth and in general, just experience the joy of living. Now, I am lucky to make dinner at night or to be able to sit for one hour straight. Hardly sucking the marrow out, in my opinion.
My physical therapist tells me that for people with my back issue it is generally 6 months to one year for a complete recovery. I obviously have more time to put in, begrudgingly. I just pray that in the meantime I can hold on to that feeling of possibility or of hope deferred. To believe that it IS going to get better and to not judge the process. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
1 comment:
Definitely fingers, and toes, crossed for you. I've never been in your predicament, and can only imagine, but it must be so incredibly hard. The great news is that the PT feels like you will make a recovery. The 6 more months will suck, but you will get there. You're strong. Rather than using your strength and determination to get through a half-marathon, you have to use it for this, and that is no fun at all. But we will be here cheering you along just the same. ((hugs))
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