This parenting stuff is sometimes hard. Anyone who says otherwise is either in major denial or is on mind-altering medication. This morning as the boys and I were going through our morning routine, I couldn't help noticing that my oldest seemed a bit off. He was going all food diva on me claiming his waffles weren't cooked right and were thereby rendered inedible. His pants felt funny and couldn't be worn. He didn't want to buy lunch at school but all the options I was giving him to take weren't good either.
By the time we got to the lunch issues, it finally dawned on me that something was up so, I said to him, "are you alright?"
He burst into tears and told me he was sad about a classmate whose mother is dying from cancer. (He was made aware of this a few weeks ago when the social worker talked to the class about it.)
Crying, Drew said to me, "Natalie is not going to have a mother anymore." I told him that she will always have a mother even if her mother can't be here anymore. I explained to him that it is very rare for a person to get cancer so young and that most mothers don't die young. I gave him a big hug and was feeling good that I was able to get him talking about what was bothering him.
Then, he says to me, "why do people have to die?"
I go immediately from feeling like I have a handle on the situation to feeling something like this:
I am stumped wondering how I help him make sense of people dying early. I know that he is looking for a reason for a mother to die, something that makes what is happening for his classmate logical. I get that he is looking to know that the universe somehow makes sense and is not unfair because the flip side of that is terrifying.
I am coming up empty. Even after having 23 years to ponder that exact question with regard to my sister's death, the only thing I can make sense of is that this kind of thing just doesn't make sense. All those platitudes about it being someone's time or God having a special plan for them don't provide any answers or explanation. Not when you are the loved one left behind.
So, I give him the best that I have got, the truth.
"I don't know."
4 comments:
After losing 2 children it is the best I have too, with a few other choice words. I will never understand!
Kenda, people and the world try and make sense of these things in their way but all that is somehow lacking isn't it? I think you deserve to add in as many choice words as you can think of.
This hit me hard...my mom has cancer. It totally sucks. Maya asks me questions all the time like, "Why did Nannie have to lose all her hair?" I think that instead of going silent on her I'm going to employ your answer...it seems much more acceptable.
PS: Interesting that the word verification is "Venomm." A sign??
Ameena, the truth is sometimes tough (for adults and kids) but I can tell you when I was a kid and my sister had cancer the unanswered question or the evasive answer was much more frightening than being told the truth.
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