Feeling like it is all being stripped away

I went for my PT visit today and surprised myself, and my PT, by bursting into tears mid session. I had a lot of pain yesterday and was back on the Vicodin train (as much as I hate taking that stuff, I am thankful to have it on the really bad days). I was talking to her about the fact that my ability to muscle through the pain is waning as this pain stuff drags on. I try and remind myself that someone who is paraplegic after an accident and stuck in a wheelchair would love to have my back pain. Or like this weekend, finding out that an acquaintance who lost her daughter last year just lost her husband to cancer. It could be worse and I know that but I am getting tired of my own personal issue.

Then, I asked her if she thought it was going to get better. Being an awesome PT and a great person, she told me she was SURE I was going to get better and that she knows that right now it feels really hard. She also mentioned that it has had to be hard for me the past few weeks finding out that I can't run anymore. That did it, I started crying!

Yesterday evening, while hopped up on Vicodin, I was incoherently rambling to Kevin about how frustrated I am and how I feel like everything I enjoy is being taken from me. I can't run anymore. I love to soak in the tub and read, can't do that because it bothers my back. Love a good massage, can't do it right now because I don't want anyone to touch me. Same issue with certain personal, marital matters (I have now just grossed out my parents). I love to travel but as things are right now, I know I can't manage to sit for more than an hour or two. I am hyperaware and sensitive about the state of my back. What I do. How I move. Man am I sick of it! I long to go back to the days when I didn't consider my back one way or another.

Hence today's waterworks. My PT bolstered me up with talk of her confidence that I will get better. She said that the fact that I ran a half marathon with all this pain and all this stuff going on tells her I am tough and makes her think we can get me feeling better.

I am hoping she is right.